Sometimes the lemons are just lemons.
A few years ago, I was swimming at the YMCA. There was a woman in the lane next to me. When I finished my swim, I said, "Have a great day!" She looked at me and said, "Don't tell me what kind of day to have!"
I laughed. She didn't. Oh, shit. She was serious.
For the next five minutes, this woman proceeded to explain why I had absolutely no business telling her what kind of day she should have. I’d ruined her whole morning by trying to be nice. I just wished her a great day, and now I'm getting my ass chewed out for it. When she finally finished, I looked at her and said, "Well, have a shitty day!" I thought I was funny. She didn't.
There's a guy at the YMCA who, whenever I ask how he's doing, gives me the same answer. "Great! Never better! Seriously, if I were any better, I'd clone myself!" Every single time.
And then he gives me his daily dose of wisdom: “Now, Mark, you make it a great day!”
This guy genuinely believes he's doing the world a favor. He's on a mission to spread happiness, one unsuspecting YMCA member at a time. For him, having a great day is simple. You just decide you're going to have one. Think positive. Visualize happiness. And BAM! You're shitting rainbows and riding unicorns. Who knew it was that easy?
I like the guy. He's friendly and I think he means well. But sometimes I want to ask him what happens when you visualize a great day and life hands you a really bad day. Do you just need to visualize harder? If that's how this works, I've been doing it wrong for years.
I've been in meetings with insurance agents where everybody is competing for the title of Happiest Person Alive.
"How are things?"
"FANTASTIC!"
"How's business?"
"UNBELIEVABLE!"
"How's the family?"
"COULDN'T BE BETTER!"
Really? Nobody had trouble getting their socks on this morning? Nobody skipped breakfast and is sitting here hungry, wondering if there will be snacks? Nobody dreaded coming to this meeting? Nobody's tired of listening to some guy bitch for twenty minutes because his insurance bill went up a dollar?
I guess not. I've stumbled into a room full of people whose marriages are wonderful, children are perfect, bank accounts are overflowing, and every morning little bluebirds land on their shoulders and sing while they get dressed. Give me a break. It's like being trapped in a room full of motivational refrigerator magnets.
God forbid you answer honestly. "Actually, things have been pretty rough lately." Well, that wasn't the answer they were expecting. Now what? Somebody has broken the happiness rules. Quick! Find a silver lining. "Well, you know what they say! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!"
I'm tired of squeezing lemons. I'm tired of looking on the bright side. I'm tired of being told to count my blessings when what I really want to do is sit down and admit that some things hurt. Sometimes the lemons are just lemons. Sometimes they're rotten. And sometimes I want to throw one at the next person who tells me to make lemonade.
When I was going through a divorce, my life was in chaos. I was hurting, trying to make sense of what was happening, and wondering how I was going to get through it. Sunday morning still came around, and I was expected to be Pastor Mark. Smile, shake hands, ask about the grandkids, listen to somebody complain about something that didn't amount to a hill of beans.
I didn't want to talk about it. Half the time I didn't even know what to say about it. I smiled, did my job, and went home exhausted from pretending everything was okay.
One Sunday, a parishioner who knew what I was going through came up to me and told me I needed to smile more. I was supposed to show everybody how to stay positive while my own life was falling apart. Are you kidding me? My marriage was ending. I was hurting in places nobody could see. I was trying to figure out how to get through the week, and somebody was worried that I wasn't smiling enough. Seriously?
I wonder how many people do what I did. Put on a smile, tell everybody they're fine, and hope nobody asks too many questions. Because sometimes telling people what's really going on is just too exhausting.
And wouldn't you know it; somebody always has a little piece of wisdom to share.
"Every cloud has a silver lining."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Your attitude determines your altitude."
"You can be bitter or you can be better."
For God's sake. Can I just have a bad day without somebody turning it into a motivational poster? When I’m having a shitty day, these overused phrases make me want to throw up. Seriously, I gag a little and swallow it back down.
I hope the guy at the YMCA really does have a wonderful life and those insurance agents really are living the dream every single day. Good for them. I hope they are. But some of us are just trying to get through Tuesday.
What's wrong with saying, "I've had better days"? Or "I'm tired, but I'll survive." Sometimes "I'm doing okay" is a perfectly good answer. I like being happy. I like laughing. I love mornings. I don't get out of bed looking for something to complain about. But some days things just don't go the way I hoped. Somebody I care about is hurting. I'm disappointed about something. I've just had enough of people for one day. It happens.
And I don't believe every lousy day needs to become a life lesson. Sometimes you learn something. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you just go home and hope tomorrow is better. Why can't that be enough?
I still think about that woman at the YMCA who chewed me out for wishing her a great day. I still think five minutes was a little excessive. But every time my friend tells me to make it a great day, I catch myself thinking exactly what she said to me: "Don't tell me what kind of day to have." Oh, shit. I'm becoming that woman.
I'm just going to have the day I'm having. If that disappoints the happiness committee, they can kiss my ass.
Shalom, Shithead
